Why do I keep hearing this?

"It's disrespectful to speak ill of the dead." Why is it acceptable to display contempt for the living? More harm is done when we're negative towards life and the living. Maybe we honor the dead more than the living because so many of us are dead inside. That's why we relate to death and dead flesh so well.

An Empty Existence

Some of have made the decision to live an empty existence. This choice can be made consciously or unconsciously, which is why we self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food, or tobacco. These things make us feel good temporarily, that's why we continue the cycle. We're looking for the solution on the outside when it's really on the inside. We've been programmed to seek the outer. We lack knowledge of self, so we end up trying to find ourselves in other people and base our value in material things. We're afraid of ourselves. We fear being authentic. We've been taught not to look at our inner selves because that's where the power comes from. When we look deep within ourselves we're able to get to roots of our issues that cause us pain. Depending on the external is easier, that's how we get caught up in it. Inner work is harder, but the results are much more rewarding. - Daniel's Daughter

Truth

Do you love truth or are you just curious? You ask me questions, but you don’t like my answers. Why? Oh right. My answers don’t fit your idea of me. You don’t want truth. You don’t want to reconstruct your know-how to follow a reality that doesn’t fit your current beliefs. Embracing and finding my truth revealed aspects of myself that were appalling and complex, yet amazing. Facing this reality was painful, but it was needed. My truth is far beyond your mind, that’s why you don’t like or understand it. Maybe you can’t conceive my truth because you want to continue living in the Matrix. I love the truth even when it hurts. I love truth because I can accept it and admit when I’m wrong. Truth saved me. Truth set me free. You don’t want freedom. You want the illusion of it. – Daniel’s Daughter

One of My Life Lessons

When I was 34 years old I met an amazing person who would make a tremendous impact on my life. I thought he was going to be my in my life forever, but he ended up being a life lesson. He was my guide, my teacher, my coach, my rock, and he encouraged me to be a better soldier and a person in life.
We met on a U.S. Army Base in Maryland on a PT field. He had just transferred in from another reserve unit. I didn't like him at first, but he eventually grew on me. We moved very slowly in the beginning. The relationship department had never been great for me, so I figured this was just another flop, but we lasted for two years. The first year was good, even though I had to get adjusted to being with someone because I was so used to being single. The second year he started noticing peculiar things about me. He said to me,"You always run from situations. You never confront anything. You avoid everything. You can't keep running for the rest of your life. You have to stop and think about why you're doing that. You have to fight for yourself and your life."
I denied it all and acted as if I didn't know what he was talking about. When our relationship ended I was hurt, but I realized he was placed in my life to make me go back to the place where I would find the answers I needed in order for me to move forward. My relationship wasn't a waste or a mistake. It was a life lesson designed to help and teach me.
When people found out we were over they blamed him, but I told them it was all me. We end up better off in life when we stand up and accept responsibility and stop playing the victim all the time. When you become empowered you'll see positive results.

What are we doing?

"The sins of the father shall be visited onto other generations."
This still haunts me to this day. We have to be very careful about the decisions we make because it have can certain ramifications down the line. I just recently got closure from something that happened years ago, but suffered from years of sleepless nights because of the trauma.
The decisions we make as adults come from how we are raised. It's our frame of reference, so when we're judged for something that we don't understand we feel it's not right or fair.
Today it seems we're living in two separate societies, or maybe everyone is just living in their own world. There is no community anymore. Everyone is a part of the "problem", but not the solution. We point fingers and talk about people after the fact. We talk about people we don't know or don't understand, but won't stand up and teach the SCIENCE of how to do things, or how to build. We have to realize if we want to see change, it starts with us first, but we must also practice being authentic.

Breaking Free

I became aware of the dysfunction in my family at a very young age, so I knew I didn't want to pass it on. Their thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors were based on fight-or-flight. Anything related to something negative was normal to them. Being sick, abused, living in poverty, sour relationships, & having constant health issues, was considered the normal life. Even getting a job and working there everyday and hating it was normal. I did that for eight years and thought I was doing the right thing. I realized I wasn't living my truth. I woke up because I was settling for the comfort of others, and maybe even my own due to my environment at home. Making the changes in my life was difficult as first, but it was worth it. I had to learn a new way to be and along the way I gained new experiences. I was taught LIFE IS HARD/LIFE IS STRUGGLE, so I was always afraid of living life. I never saw life as beautiful or amazing. I now see that life doesn't have to be hard or a struggle. In most cases we can make life hard with our poor choices or with our beliefs. Once I changed my mentality, rid myself of toxic people and toxic environments, looking inward instead of outward, seeking passion, purpose, and truth, everything became clear. The repeated patterns in my life were life lessons that I had to learn.

Waking Up

Recognizing the early signs of abuse is very important when it comes removing toxic people from your life. In the past couple of years I have learned to do so and was made to feel like a bad person because I made the decision to remove myself from a toxic environment. Growing up I was always told I would be just like my mother. Everyone thought I would repeat her "mistake." They refused to see me as an individual. I always knew I had choices, but nobody saw that. I was constantly intimidated, shamed, lied on, belittled, judged, and misunderstood, but was told not pay it any attention and to ignore those people because they will stop talking eventually. When you come from a dysfunctional home and you're never taught self-love you will settle for this type of abuse from others thinking it's normal. What helps me to heal is living and speaking my truth. I stopped living life from a place of fear and constraints. I view my past experiences as life lessons to be used as a guide for future references. When you aren't living your truth, expect to live harder than usual.

The "sound" that terrified me

One day during preschool, the teachers decided to let us play musical chairs. I guess it was considered a recreational activity back then. For some reason they decided to use balloons in this game. In the last round they put a balloon in the chair. When the music stopped, the fastest person got to the chair first, sat on the balloon and of course it popped. When I heard that sound I immediately became alarmed and disoriented. I looked for an exit and ran for a door but couldn't get out. I can't remember if I hid under a desk or not, but I do remember my teacher grabbing me to comfort me and she asked me what was wrong. I started to cry, but I didn't know why. I just felt afraid and I couldn't stand the sound of that balloon popping and still I had my hands over my ears. The look on her face and the other teachers trying to figure out what was wrong with me, wondering why I was so afraid of the sound of a balloon popping. Some of the kids were giggling. My teacher begged me to tell her what happened to me, but I didn't remember anything.

Finding the Violin

After elementary school, I attended Kelly Miller Junior High & they had a String Ensemble. My homeroom teacher was the director of the ensemble. I saw the violins and cellos in the back of the room one day and asked her about it and she told me to try the violin, so I did. I turned out to be pretty good, & found that I had a natural talent for music. I had an "ear" for it. I couldn't read music, but I could play it. I didn't know I could do that or how that was even possible. My teacher asked me where did I inherit this from. I felt a little embarrassed because I couldn't give her an answer. When my grandmother found out I was playing music she explained to me that my father had that same quality or talent. I later started playing piano and taught myself to play songs by ear. Everyone assumed I was taking lessons, and some thought I was some kind of weird freak. They didn't understand how I was able to hear and interpret music tones.

Growing Up

"The sins of the father shall be visited unto other generations."

I grew up thinking that I couldn't have a "normal" life because people made me feel less of a person because of my situation. As I grew older I started to see myself through their eyes. Deep down they expected nothing from me, but said the opposite out of their mouths. It's taken me years to recover from something that I had no control over. I had to learn to see myself as an individual and get to know "her."

The Funeral

I remember sitting next to my grandmother in the car on the way to my father's funeral. I was asking her about him and where he was. When we got to the church I said to myself, "Oh there he is! But why is he in that box?" When you're three years old you don't understand death. Even after the funeral I kept asking everyone when was my father coming home. When they told me he was gone I thought they meant he was gone to the store or to the mall. Years after I forgot about him. The memories of him didn't resurface until I was nine or ten years old. I thought I was having a nightmare at first, but then I realized I was having flashbacks.

Understanding myself

I had a hard time understanding myself when I was growing up. My grandmother always said I was just like my father, but I had a hard time with it. I think maybe it was because I didn't fit in anywhere and wanted to know if he had experienced the same thing. Later on I was pressured to be more outgoing and social because I was told my personality was abnormal by outsiders. People could see that I was unsure of myself, so they took advantage of that. I was always manipulated as a young person and it was always a power struggle between people over me. The day I realized I was a puppet, I cut the strings, walked away, and started doing soul work.

Knowing Yourself

So far my thirties have been a wonderful discovery of the "self" and the power of choice. I wasn't raised in a setting of finding your passion or purpose. Everyone was basically living in survival mode so there wasn't any structure, which was very damaging to me. This left me open to manipulation and when people saw this they took advantage and I became a slave to their structure. I spent years trying to live up to their unrealistic expectations, realizing in the end that I was being deceived and I became frustrated and angry. I look back at my 20's as a learning experience. I'm thankful for them because I learned so much. I now see how important it is to really know who you are as an individual. If people see a crack in you they will come in and take over. Humans are not objects. When people can't control their own lives, they seek out others to control. Don't let that person be you. If you're a control freak, try giving it up because CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION. If you want to fix someone, work on fixing yourself.